What can we learn from our Queer Grandparents?

© Copyright by Craig Budzik, April 2025

I have often wondered what it would have been like to grow up with queer grandparents, and what their influence might have had on my experience of growing up gay. My intention with this explorative and reflective piece of writing is to spark conversations and help highlight areas and questions for further study and research into queer grandparents, who appear to be an under-reported and under-represented population and generation. I would like to offer some definitions to some of the words I use throughout. I use queer to refer to any and all people who exist and live within the spectrum of lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, non-binary, intersex and/or questioning sexuality or gender. The use of grandparent is used to define a person who has created and reared a family of their own, either through conception or adoption, whose children have gone on to have children themselves. The use of elder is used to refer to a person who is older in age and has not reared a family of their own, either through conception or adoption. I would like to recognise some limitations to this piece of writing. Any work found and cited was found freely via Google Scholar and Ecosia. There was no access to any journal archives. It is worth pointing out that as the writer, I identify as a gay, white, western (UK-based), cisgender male, and aware that my perspective may permeate throughout. I will do my best to highlight any known biases. With this, I would like to begin by asking;

What can we learn from our queer grandparents? However, we might be best first asking, where are our queer grandparents? I would like to honour and pay respect to the proportion of queer people who lost their lives to AIDS during the epidemic. What might have become of them, had they lived to old age? What kind of parents and possibly grandparents might they have become had they chosen to rear and raise a family? In my search for queer grandparents, it seemed difficult to come across much research or information on the representation and influence queer grandparents have, either within the family or societally.

There is a growing amount of research into grandparents and their influence. However, this seems to be within heterosexual and cisgendered families. The growth in research around grandparents seems to be the result of an aging population that are living longer and healthier lives. Research from Buchanan & Rotkirch (2018) supports this and make comment of the 9 million grandparents that make up the UK Grandparent Army, who are named for their involvement within the family to support parents demands around work and raising children. Buchanan & Rotkirch highlight the changing dynamics within the family, as divorce rates and single parenthood rise, alongside an increase in mothers working, there are more demands for extra support, suggesting that grandparents come to fill that demand. Various studies (King & Elder, 1997; Van Ranst, Verschueren & Marcoen, 1995; Horsfall & Dempsey, 2013; Lasota, 2015; Hank et al. 2018) point to the influence grandparents have on their grandchildren. These influences revolve around the passage of knowledge, culture, attitudes and family history; the teachings of gender roles and dynamics within the family; and for the grandparents, there is an effect on their well-being, with suggestions that involvement with grandchildren helps to reduce the symptoms of loneliness and depression.

In their chapter, Torres & Lacy (2021) share research from Shiu et al. (2016), which suggests queer elders tend to experience more difficulties throughout life, from political, economic and familial exclusions, discriminations or victimisations. This can leave them with poorer physical and mental health in later life. Torres & Lacy and Shiu et al. both comment on how queer elders have less support in the more traditional ways, such as from family and children. Instead, they rely on friends and peers for support. Torres & Lacy (2021) note that there is a lack of representation in research papers around the role of caregivers from friends. As useful and reliable as friends and peers may be, it may only be a matter of time before friends start to suffer from their own illnesses and difficulties and so support can no longer be provided. Fredriksen-Goldsen (2018) points out that social isolation remains a concern for queer elders, as social circles will slowly decline and dwindle.

I struggled to find research which focused specifically on queer grandparents and their well-being, although arguably, the findings above could be applied to queer grandparents. When considering loneliness and depression, at face value, it seems logical that being connected and living within a community would help in the reduction of loneliness and depression. Crewdson (2016) suggests social networks have a role to play in the alleviation of loneliness and symptoms of depression. Could we see engagement within a family be a form of social network?Therefore can we assume that loneliness and depressive symptoms would be reduced in queer grandparents? If we were to compare the well-being of queer elders to queer grandparents, might we find that their experience of loneliness and depression is lessened by the protective factor from maintaining a relationship with their children and grandchildren? First, we might want to identify what and how queer elders experience loneliness and depression. Is it the same as their cishet counterparts?

I would like to draw attention and focus to the passage of knowledge, cultures, attitudes, gender roles and dynamics within the family. The nuclear family, that being a man and woman, married with one or more children, has been viewed as the norm and expected within Western families (Saggers & Sims, 2005). We can assume that heterosexual grandparents and parents, by default, support the passage of this dynamic within the family setup, suggesting that a married man and woman with one or more children is the expected life course to follow. Amy Gahran (2017) describes this as the ‘Relationship Escalator’, in which there is a prescribed path to follow for relationships. Gahran critiques this path by arguing that it does not cater for individual needs when considering intimacy and commitments. With the progressions made through equal partnerships and the queer movement, there has been a challenge of the dominant ideas of gender, sexuality and what family means. This has been seen with the ‘gayby boom’ generation, where more queer partners are starting families (Weeks et al., 2001). As this next generation of queer people create their own families and grow older, what impact and influence might they have on the next generation? If we were to turn to look at queer grandparents, what norms might be transferred and suggested? How might families begin to change?

It seems that a challenge to the norm would be made by default, with queer grandparents providing an alternative to the norm. This is seen with incidental activism among gay fathers rearing children (Carroll, 2018). Queer grandparents would suggest that families can exist where there are two or more mothers, fathers or parents who identify the same or similarly in terms of sexuality and gender. Research suggests that parents of queer families do their best to; provide a gender buffet, which is a selection of gendered options of clothes, toys and activities for their children; have discussions around child care and housework, based on time availability and personal preferences; and challenge stereotypical roles of work within the family (Averett, 2015; Kelly & Hauck, 2015). Through this, we could assume that gender roles and dynamics within families would begin to change and shift over time. These changes within gender roles and dynamics may then be passed on from generation to generation. However, research seems to be conflicted in whether change is afoot or not. Haines et al. (2016) reviewed data from the early 1980s and 2014 and found that there was little difference between the perceived stereotypes of gender roles. Goldscheider et al. (2015) suggest that although there is not a dominate view of family dynamics changing, it appears that role reversals within family dynamics are increasing and may come to be dominate in the future. Haines et al. and Goldscheider et al. do not explicitly identify their participants and presumably focus on heterosexual, cisgendered people. How much longer might this shift take, if it were to change? I am aware this research spans roughly 30 years. This seemingly is not enough time to change what has been rooted deep within society for millennia. Would it be possible that as queer parents age, and potentially become grandparents, they will continue to influence and challenge the stereotypical ideas of gender roles within their children’s families?

Chabot (2014) interviewed a group of lesbian grandmothers in Canada, identifying skills which these grandmothers hoped to pass on to their grandchildren. Concerns around discrimination arose through some of the interviews, either directly to themselves, or to their grandchildren, when the family attended public events where their grandchildren were participating or involved in. Part of the skills they hoped to pass on were resilience to manage and navigate discrimination and the ability to confront heterosexism and homophobia. Through this, these grandmothers hoped that their grandchildren would be better able to challenge stereotypes relating to gender and sexuality, and support those who may be diverse in their expression of gender and sexuality. Chabot’s (2014) study, however useful in helping to fill the gaps in research into queer grandparents, looks into the experience of Canadian lesbian grandmothers only. It would be useful to expand on this research to look at the experiences of those from other cultures, who may identify as gay, bi or trans. However, the interviews Chabot (2014) carried out bring some awareness around what lesbian grandmothers hope to pass on to their grandchildren, which is the resilience and ability to challenge heteronormative assumptions. This does seem to fall in line with the research by Averett (2015) and Kelly & Hauck (2015), which may suggest that queer grandparents continue to influence and challenge stereotypical gender roles.

I would like to bring in an idea that Walt Odets (2020) speaks of in their book ‘Out of the Shadows’. Odets speaks specifically of the identity of gay men, and asks what it means to be a gay man. Odets suggests that gay men have taken on the identity that has been described by heterosexual men. Specifically, men who were cis male, white and middle class during the 1950’s. In this, the gay identity has been reduced to simply a behavioural trait, that being who a person has sex with, and has been pathologised. This reduces the gay identity to sex alone. Within this, there is the suggestion that all gay relationships can only be sexual ones. Meaning there can be no room for emotions or intimacy to be expressed or shared between gay men. It also touches on the stigma that is wrapped around the gay identity; that being gay is in some way undesirable, deviant, a crime, sinful or a sickness. With this reduced and stigmatised view of life and what it means to be a gay man, could this influence the relationships that gay men have? Are we not seeing queer male grandparents as a result of fewer longer-lasting relationships because gay men are not supposed to have these types of romantic, intimate relationships? Intertwined with this, could there also be the unspoken rule that men are not to be maternal, and so not raise children, and consequently grandchildren? What comes to mind here is the news article from 2018 in which Piers Morgan mocks Daniel Craig for carrying his baby. In this, a man passes judgement and ridicule onto another man for carrying their child. As if this caring and nurturing side of a man should be mocked and discouraged. This seems to be supported by research by Messina & D’Amore (2018), in which they touch on the challenges that queer people encounter. One of these, they mention, is the emotional conflict that arises when confronting negative stereotypes about same-sex parenting, highlighting the presence of internalised homophobia. They also share an insight relating specifically to gay men, that they also have to confront negative attitudes towards men as parents.

Odets (2020) goes on to discuss the influence of growing up within environments where having to hide one’s sexuality was necessary to survive. Part of this influence relates to the inability to be openly gay, as it may result in ostracism from the family. Growing up in an environment where a part of your identity is vilified, we can internalise this and experience this as shame. This shame may manifest as self-hatred and disgust, and lead to self-destructive behaviours. Odets suggests this sense of shame may present in some gay men as a belief that gay men are bad and deviant, and when they come into contact with another gay man, to who they feel attracted, they then project those beliefs onto them; and vice versa if the other holds the same belief. This seems to support the research from Messina & D’Amore (2018) in that relationships between men can experience homophobia, with each partner preventing a shared connection and experience of emotional vulnerability. Might this be hindering the longevity of gay, male relationships and so the creation of gay, male grandparents?

Continuing with identities, when do grandparents become? Leopold & Skopek (2015) suggest that grandparents come into existence at varying ages, and there appear to be differences between countries. Their logic follows a heteronormative assumption that a cisgendered mother and father become grandparents when one of their children has a child themselves. However, when do queer grandparents come into existence? Chabot (2014) identifies all their interviewees as claiming and identifying as lesbian grandmothers. Their participants embraced and celebrated their queer identified grandmother role, claiming it as their own and in a way supporting the heteronormative family role of women/grandmothers taking the role of caring and nurturing. It would be interesting to explore relationships wherein their structures are not mononormative, which is defined as the societal phenomena signalling monogamy as the ‘good’ relationship structure. It would also be interesting to explore relationships where one partner does not claim the role of grandparent. If there is the possibility that the identity of a grandparent can be refused within biological families (based on blood relations), might there be the option to claim this identity within families of choice?Armistead Maupin describes the logical family as a group based on emotional connection, shared experience and mutual support, in their Tales of the City books. Might queer elders become queer grandparents when they build relationships with younger generations and form their own logical/chosen family?

Schaufert (2018) acknowledges the trend in queer culture to use Daddy figures as a way to challenge knowledge and associations that are linked to identity within gender, sexuality and family. It is an attempt to expose the idea of fatherhood and masculinity as being performative. Within this, there is a possibility for revising problems which arise through patriarchal gender roles through role-play. Although the identity of Daddy is often used during role-plays, might this become a permanent identity and exist outside of the role-play? If so, might the birth of a Grandaddy soon follow? Therefore it seems possible that queer grandparents may be born in a variety of ways and take on a variety of roles and functions.

When considering the relationship structure of queer people, by default queer relationships challenge the nuclear family and as such the relationship structure that exists within it. When we look at queer relationships which sit outside of the structure of monogamy, Griffith (2024) suggests that stigma around consensual non-monogamy is experienced in two ways: anticipated (expectations that others would treat them poorly) and received (direct experiences of being treated poorly). Both of these seemed to result in partners concealing their relationship style. Griffith goes on to suggest that mononormativity marginalises non-monogamy. As Chabot (2014) shared from their interviews, there is a fear and reluctance to be fully present and visible, which seems to support Griffith’s (2024) findings of people concealing themselves and their relationships if they do not support mononormativity. As Chabot (2014) mentions this is not only for fear of being directly discriminated against, but also fear for their grandchildren being discriminated against. Might this be part of the reason for the lack of representation and visibility of different relationship structures amongst queer elders and grandparents? How might the relationship structures within consensual non-monogamy queer grandparents influence the upbringing of their children and grandchildren? Might this help to create a shift in which consensual non-monogamy is normalised and so the stigma reduced?

As mentioned earlier, Shiu et al. (2016) inform us that queer people experience poorer mental health and well-being in comparison to their heterosexual counterparts. Ryan et al. (2010) conducted research which found a low level of family acceptance and rejection was related to poorer mental health. When reflecting on growing up queer, I do wonder what influence the traumatic environments some queer people live through has on relationship formation. Frost & Meyer (2023) speak of Minority Stress, in which queer people’s exposure and experience of discrimination and prejudice negatively influences their wellbeing. Barton (2024) speaks of a void filled with violence in their article reflecting on generational trauma, and the severance from ancestral knowledge and traditions within European countries when they experienced invasion and the destruction of their homes, land, culture and traditions. Barton (2024) reflects on how mostly white Europeans may feel this disconnect to their heritage and want to fill this sense of emptiness through more well-established traditions and cultures.

Expanding on Barton(2024), when considering the separation from family ties, should a queer person be ostracised, what happens to their sense of culture, tradition and/or heritage? How do they engage with and relate to their ancestry? How do the wounds of trauma present themselves and how might they be experienced and passed along should a family be created, and grandchildren introduced later in life? This passage of trauma is something Hesse & Main (2000) describe as intergenerational trauma, and is the process in which caregivers with unresolved trauma transmit this to their children through interactional patterns. Isobel et al. (2018) shares research on some of the emotional and psychosocial disorders, such as affect regulation and relationship breakdown, that may present themselves across three generations, after the traumatic event. It seems reasonable to assume that queer families would be no exception to the influence and effect of intergenerational trauma. I hope that there is room for post-traumatic growth to potentially happen within all this. As there may be an opportunity that emerges, wherein new traditions and cultures may be created, and possibly co-created within and between partners, that may help process and heal the effects of trauma through a recreation of narratives around the trauma, traditions and culture. With this, I wonder what queer grandparents might be able to teach us about trauma and resilience.

There appears to be research and understanding around some of the trauma queer people experience, as Chabot (2014) highlights the concerns lesbian grandmothers have around stigma. How might this compare to other queer grandparents and their experiences and concerns around stigma? Might there also exist some stigma for those queer elders who choose not to have children, and so do not go on to have grandchildren? The research I could find on childlessness revolved around cishet people. Shapiro (2014) found that women were often pitied for being voluntarily childless. They share research from Park (2002) who found that heterosexual women were more stigmatised than men. Park does mention that participants were heterosexual however fails to clarify if they were cisgendered. It is assumed that participants were cisgender. Shapiro does acknowledge the limitations of the research they found and reviewed, identifying the lack of attention to people who vary in gender, race, ethnicity, social and economic status and sexual orientation. This highlights the gaps within research and brings a question around whether queer elders would experience stigma in the same way for being childless.

In my search for research and material into queer grandparents, I did come across research looking at grandchildren. In particular, looking at queer grandchildren who come out and how they interact with their cisgender, heterosexual grandparents. This reversal of focus may speak to the influence of ageism, in the sense that the older populations are of no interest or value.

I hope that in engaging with and reading my reflections on queer grandparents, you may be curious to understand the role elder queers have within the community and specifically the queer community. In answer to my initial question of ‘what we can learn from our queer grandparents?’ let’s find out! I struggled to find specific research, evidence or information about queer elders or queer grandparents. There appears to be a gap and lack of research and information available. Hopefully, the questions I have posed are questions which you too are pondering. I hope that this reflective piece of writing inspires a conversation to emerge. Bringing together all to share and connect over histories, experiences and life lessons. That we might begin to turn our gaze towards this unrepresented population and generation, with kindness and care, and look to understand their experiences, challenges and wisdom. I believe that queer elders and queer grandparents have immense knowledge and wisdom to share about how to live and thrive later in life. Having faced and come up against many forms of discrimination, they have shown resilience within those struggles, and their successes should be celebrated and shared.

References

Averett, K.H. (2015). The Gender Buffet. Gender & Society, 30(2), pp.189–212. doi: 10.1177/0891243215611370.

Barton, C. (2024). Violence of the Void. DoubleBlind 11.

Buchanan, A. & Rotkirch, A. (2018). Twenty-first century grandparents: global perspectives on changing roles and consequences, Contemporary Social Science, 13:2, 131-144, DOI: 10.1080/21582041.2018.1467034

Carroll, M. (2018). Managing Without Moms: Gay Fathers, Incidental Activism, and the Politics of Parental Gender. Journal of Family Issues, 39(13), pp.3410–3435. doi: 10.1177/0192513x18783229.

Chabot, J. (2014). Lesbian/Queer Identified Grandmothering: Creating Visibility And Acknowledging Strengths Through The Grandparent- Grandchild Relationship.

Crewdson, J. A. (2016). The Effect of Loneliness in the Elderly Population: A Review. Healthy Aging & Clinical Care in the Elderly 2016:8 1–8 doi:10.4137/HACCE.S35890

Fredriksen-Goldsen, K. (2018). Shifting social context in the lives of LGBTQ older adults. Public Policy & Aging Report, 28(1), 24–28. doi: 10.1093/ppar/pry003

Frost, D. M. & Meyer, I. H. (2023). Minority Stress Theory: Application, Critique, and Continued Relevance. Current Opinion in Psychology, 51, 101579. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2023.101579

Gahran, A. (2017). Stepping off the relationship escalator : uncommon love and life. Boulder, Colorado: Off The Escalator Enterprises, Llc.

Goldscheider, F., Bernhardt, E. & Lappegård, T. (2015). The Gender Revolution: A Framework for Understanding Changing Family and Demographic Behavior. Population and Development Review, 41(2), pp.207–239. doi: 10.1111/j.1728-4457.2015.00045.x.

Griffith, M. (2024). Consensual Non-monogamy as a Practice, Stigma, and Social Movement. Harvard.edu. [online] doi:https://doi.org/31296721.

Hank, K., Cavrini, G., Di Gessa, G. & Tomassini, C. (2018). What do we know about grandparents? Insights from current quantitative data and identification of future data needs. European Journal of Ageing, 15(3), pp.225–235. doi: 10.1007/s10433-018-0468-1.

Haines, E.L., Deaux, K. & Lofaro, N. (2016). The Times They Are a-Changing … or Are They Not? A Comparison of Gender Stereotypes, 1983–2014. Psychology of Women Quarterly, [online] 40(3), pp.353–363. doi: 10.1177/0361684316634081.

Hesse, E. & Main, M. (2000). Disorganization in infant and adult attach- ment: Description, correlates, and implications for developmental psychopathology. Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association, 48(4), 1097–1127.

Horsfall, B. & Dempsey, D. (2013). Grandparents doing gender: Experiences of grandmothers and grandfathers caring for grandchildren in Australia. Journal of Sociology, 51(4), pp.1070–1084. doi: 10.1177/1440783313498945.

Isobel, S., Goodyear, M., Furness, T. & Foster, K. (2018). Preventing intergenerational trauma transmission: A critical interpretive synthesis. Journal of Clinical Nursing, 28(7-8). doi:https://doi.org/10.1111/jocn.14735.

Kelly, M. & Hauck, E. (2015). Doing Housework, Redoing Gender: Queer Couples Negotiate the Household Division of Labor. Journal of GLBT Family Studies, 11(5), pp.438–464. doi: 10.1080/1550428x.2015.1006750.

King, V. & Elder, Jr., G. H. (1997)The Legacy of Grandparenting: Childhood Experiences with Grandparents and Current Involvement with Grandchildren. Journal of Marriage and Family, Vol. 59, No. 4, pp. 848-859. National Council on Family Relations.

Lasota, A. (2015). What do Children Learn from their Parents and what from their Grandparents? Changes in the Perception of Gender and Family Roles as Seen from the Developmental Perspective. Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences, 174, pp.2467–2472. doi: 10.1016/j.sbspro.2015.01.918.

Leopold, T. & Skopek, J. (2015). The Demography of Grandparenthood: An International Profile. Social Forces, 94(2), pp.801–832. doi:https://doi.org/10.1093/sf/sov066.

Messina, R. & D’Amore, S. (2018). Adoption by Lesbians and Gay Men in Europe: Challenges and Barriers on the Journey to Adoption. Adoption Quarterly, 21(2), pp.59–81. doi:https://doi.org/10.1080/10926755.2018.1427641.

Park, K. (2002). Stigma management among the voluntarily childless. Sociological Perspectives, 45(1): 21-45.

Piers Morgan mocks Daniel Craig for carrying baby (2018). BBC News. [online] 16 Oct. Available at: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-45873664 [Accessed 19 July 2024].

Ryan, C., Russell, S. T., Huebner, D., Diaz, R. & Sanchez, J. (2010). Family acceptance in adolescence and the health of LGBT young adults. Journal of Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Nursing, 23, 205-213

Saggers, S. & Sims, M. (2005). Diversity: Beyond the nuclear family. Family: Changing families, changing times, 66-87.

Schaufert, B. (2018). Daddy’s Play: Subversion and Normativity in Dream Daddy’s Queer World. Game Studies, [online] 18(3). Available at: https://gamestudies.org/1803/articles/braidon_schaufert.

Shapiro, G.(2014). Voluntary childlessness: A critical review of the literature. Studies in the Maternal, 6(1)

Shiu, C., Muraco, A. & Fredriksen-Goldsen, K. (2016). Invisible care: Friend and partner care among older lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) adults. Journal of the Society for Social Work and Research, 7(3), 527–546. doi: 10.1086/687325

Torres, S. & Lacy, G. (2021). Life Course Transitions, Personal Networks, and Social Support for LGBTQ1 Elders: Implications for Physical and Mental Health. In: A.J. Leblanc and B.L. Perry, eds., Advances in Medical Sociology Vol 21 - Sexual and Gender Minority Health. Emerald Publishing Limited, pp.157–180.

‌Van Ranst, N., Verschueren, K. & Marcoen, A. (1995). The Meaning of Grandparents as Viewed by Adolescent Grandchildren: An Empirical Study in Belgium. The International Journal of Aging and Human Development, 41(4), pp.311–324. doi: 10.2190/pplv-dwg7-hv9r-6lvb.

Odets, W. (2020). OUT OF THE SHADOWS: reimagining gay men’s lives. S.L.: Picador.

Weeks, J., Heaphy, B., & Donovan, C. (2001). Same sex intimacies: Families of choice and other life experiments. New York: Taylor & Francis.